I have a rather interesting behavior when it comes to how I see myself and what goals or wishes I set in place to become more accepting of myself. Although I am extremely confident in myself as a person who is strong, a fighter, kind, and has her life together after much necessary growth; unfortunately I have another side of me that all women have within them. That side is called insecurities, unfortunately mine comes in waves and I have noticed that when they hit me they tend to grasp me and end up playing a role in my negative attitudes or distancing from others around me.
I have struggled with my weight ever since I was a teenager. I have never been skinny in the eyes of fashion or my peers. I have faced being called fat from family members, friends, and strangers when myspace allowed the world to see who you are. The image that others had of me taunted me for years and eventually I believed it but after several years and now being in a magnificent relationship, I reached a level of self confidence that I never thought I would reach.
For awhile I felt sexy, beautiful and enough. I decided to own my self confidence and accept my weight and body type as best as I could. It was great for awhile and the feelings of myself being beautiful totally oozed through my skin and really manifested itself out in public. However, lately that has not been the case. Instead, I have set out on changing myself in various ways. I have been going tanning to reach that darker skin tone that I have always craved, I have been blessed enough to get my hair colored and ombre' as well as have my eyebrows waxed and have acrylic nails applied to my hands.
I do feel more beautiful in those categories, and I definitely feel like I am finally getting to a place with my wardrobe where I am confident in my fashion. I definitely have my eyes on some dresses for the summer, but only time will provide those opportunities.
As much change as I have endured the last while, I am still struggling on the inside with my weight, no matter how far I put it on the back burner of my mind and conscience. It all began when I could't fit into my size 18 Angels jeans, because angels is my favorite brand, I was seriously depressed to discover that I couldn't wear these jeans and ever since then I have felt low and very insecure.
So I have set out on a mission to lose some weight yet again. When I was in high school, I weighed 145lbs which was not considered skinny then, but to me it is what the ideal weight is. I have been told that it may be too skinny for my bones and structure to aim for that skinny and that I should maybe aim for something more reasonable such as 170 or 160 but I know that I will always become slave to food and enjoy the very foods that contribute to a poor diet.
I have started to keep track of my calories two days ago and that day I scored great!! My limit is 1900 calories a day but yesterday I did absolutely horrible and completely went overboard. I was a little sad and disappointed in myself so I thought that by keeping this blog for myself that I can help myself take accountability.
I am absolutely dedicated to this lifestyle change and this goal to really lose weight. I know that I will most likely not change a lot of my eating habits, but I am definitely more aware and careful with what I eat or have available. What I need to help myself do is frown away from the burgers when they are being served in my house and focus on the healthy alternatives that I can eat instead. I feel that if we can be more mindful of that, then i will have no problem maintaining this new habit at least for a little while.
I haven't necessarily opened up to my family about this goal or journey because I feel like this is something that I really want to do for myself.
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